Hope

Gram has struggled with bouts of depression for a long time. At least since moving here, probably longer. At 96 she’s lost more friends and family members than she has left. She’s outlived two of her children. I’m the first to admit that I can’t understand the depth of those losses because I haven’t lived them. But even though that’s the case, the Lord still asks me to walk with Gram through them, and He still asks me to witness to His goodness in her life.

It’s tough living with a pessimist. Regularly Gram will tell me that she wishes she was dead. We’ve had to ask her not to say that she wishes she had a gun so she could shoot herself in front of the children. I’m not sure to what degree she means it. It’s hard to hear someone you are pouring yourself out for tell you that everyone she loves is dead so what’s the point.

There are so many times that I just want to yell in frustration. To tell her that if she’s really so miserable with us she is welcome to go back to the assisted living facility states away. And I will be totally honest- there have been times when she’s told me that she wants to leave, when I’ve responded by asking her what plane she’d like to be on. Not my best moments.

But here’s what I always come back to. I hear Jesus remind me that she’s His child too, that she is precious, and that she needs to be told that she is loved. For whatever reason, my Gram struggles with unconditional love. She is terrified of being a burden and would rather push us away than ask for help and be served by us. And the moments when I lean into grace instead of my own emotions, those are the times I have the opportunity to help us both find peace.

More than anything else, what Gram needs is to be told she is loved, by us, by the Lord. I honestly think that it’s one of the reasons she’s still here- there’s a part of her soul that God is still working on, that hasn’t truly been surrendered to Him. I can’t tell you what a gift it is to be trusted with that- to be the person that has the job of loving a person beloved by God.

For almost four years now, I have spoken these words of truth to Gram. Over and over and over again I have reminded her that life is a gift, that she is loved and cherished, that there are blessings in abundance, that there is reason to hope. Today, I saw fruit from that for the first time. Tonight at dinner Grandma said these words, “when it gets warm again, and I hope I’m still here, I’m going to walk down the street and watch the people.”

We may just be making progress after all.